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April 24th, 2012

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12:33 pm - Life's crazy
April has proven to be a very turbulent month, in both good and bad ways.

First, my work at my current job will be finishing later this year so that brings with it a bunch of decisions like what do I want to do next, where do I want to go, what kind of job should I look for, what am I going to do with all my stuff here, etc., etc.  It's a headache to be sure, but I'm also looking forward to what might be in store for me next.

Then, my grandpa passed away in Beijing.  On the one hand, I didn't know my grandpa as well as my cousins or other family since I left China at age 6 and only went back to visit 2 times.  Most of my family in China I don't know very well, including my dad I think, so while rationally I feel like I should be sad I'm having difficulty even trying to remember what little I knew about my grandpa.  On the other hand, it almost makes it worse that I didn't know him well because I feel like since he was my grandpa I SHOULD have known him well, I SHOULD be feeling grief, I SHOULD, I SHOULD, I SHOULD, and yet I don't, or not as much as I SHOULD.  At work I still laugh and joke with my students, and yes it's part of my job so I know even if I don't feel like it I still have to, but I feel like I should be grieving so much it shouldn't even be possible to smile, like it's disrespectful to laugh so soon after he had passed.

Another thing is I feel like I should be doing more to respect his memory, send flowers or a card or hell, even make a trip back to Beijing or something.  My family in China had a funeral and all, but over here I'm just going on with my life like nothing's happened.  Go to work, teach, come home, go to work, teach, come home.  Everything's the same as usual whereas it's like my family in China, they took time out of their lives to respect and honour my grandpa's memory.  Me, I just posted a status update on Facebook (and got a bunch of sympathies and condolences that really, I don't even feel like I deserve since, as I mentioned above, my grief is about as minimal as one can get...)

And then a few days after I got the sad news, I got good news that the BJD (ball-jointed doll) that I had ordered in March got shipped out 3 weeks earlier than had been expected.  I had been wanting these dolls for 4 or 5 years now so I was ecstatic, that most likely by the end of this week that dream will be coming true, but it's being overshadowed since I feel like I shouldn't be happy right now.  I should be crying my eyes out and screaming to the heavens or something.

I don't know.  I'm not sure what to do or feel these days.  It's a good thing next week is a holiday in Japan, I can take the time to get my act together.  Just trudge through this week of work and then we'll see how next week goes.  

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