September 5th, 2006
|08:19 pm - Took me long enough|
I think...I finally found the name for this uneasy feeling. I felt it last year in my dorm as I sat in front of my computer night after night. And once again, it's resurfaced tonight. I didn't think I was someone who'd be suceptible to this feeling, at least not on the scale as it seems to have infiltrated.
I finally found the name for the feeling that had me running for the Rideau Canal at 12 midnight to take hour long walks last year and mostly likely again this year. The name for the feeling that made me time and again want to curl up on my bed and cry into my pillow. The name for the feeling as my room filled with my roomate's friends. The name for the feeling that made me want to tire myself out until I collapsed and didn't have to think about anything anymore, only drift in the world of the unconscious.
I think I've found the name....
What about you?
|Date:||September 6th, 2006 02:55 am (UTC)|| |
No way... is it 'loneliness'? o_o
|Date:||September 6th, 2006 01:28 pm (UTC)|| |
It's the only thing I could think of because I've felt the same way. Nobody has been able to understand what it's been like to live in this mess, this hell, for two years already and now I'm on my third year.
I just can't believe that you, or anyone, would be in a similar position. =( it sucks... The only time I ever go out is for class or the grocery store or for some errand. Every other time I'm at home and I play video games or watch anime for hours unend.
I made my dad buy me a cellphone just so I can talk to my friends when I wanted. I just can't live without them.
*hugs you* I know how you feel. =(
Holy hell you do the same thing I do! Go to class, go home, stick ear plugs in, watch anime. Aside from basic necessity I don't leave the room at all. Makes me feel a little bit more normal knowing I'm not the only one now lol. I took a 2 hour walk last night along the Ridea Canal blasting Do Your Best the whole time, made me feel so exhausted but good when I came back.
Oh god yeah, it'd be sooooooo much better if I had my best friend here isntead of just me. I mean I have a few friends here too, but no one I'm as close to as her ;__;
|Date:||September 6th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC)|| |
|Date:||September 6th, 2006 03:59 am (UTC)|| |
I completely understand your feelings. If I had to guess, I'd say that it's insignificance, because that's exactly how I feel in a city of millions. It seems like everyone has something to do, somewhere to go, and in the midst of the chaos, you feel lost; then you realize, it's all for nothing because everything has no meaning. It's all so utterly pointless. I empathize with you.Love James
Helplessness and insecurity is what comes to my mind. Perhaps even insignificance, as James said, though not for the same reasons that he suggested.
Helplessness I think, because you may seem powerless. Whether that is powerless to stop things from happening, or from making things occuring. Perhaps when you think about what you want to do and it seems so big and really, where do you start? I think helplessness and insignificance can be put together in the sense that you are just one person, something so insignificant, and thus you feel helplessness in power and can afford no help to anyone other than yourself.
The other that comes to mind is insecurity simply because you mentioned that it is something that you didn't expect to have affected you to the extent that it has; or because of the roommate's friends running in and out of the room on a near daily basis. Maybe there is something that you've told yourself that you don't want but deep down, you really do.
*shrugs* Whatever it is, even if it is one of those things, it doesn't feel right for me to put a name on it. For me to put a name on it and say that I can empathize with you or sympathize with you over this, would be like... well, isolating the feeling and robbing the meaning out of it for you. A sort of raping if you will.
I don't mean to come across as so nonchalant about this matter, because I'm not. This is something that has been on your mind for a while and I just feel that I don't have any right to put a name on your own feelings, because I'm not you and I don't understand exactly what it is that you're feeling. I can't understand.
That's not to say that I don't want to, because I do. I have all sorts of feelings and such jumbling around myself. It's one of the weird parts about growing up and sorting yourself out.
Bleh. I'm rambling now. Anyways, you know that if you ever wanna talk, you know where I am. And if you need to call at 2AM, just do it. I don't care. I will always be willing to listen... even if you're out on the freezing canal and I'm all toasty in bed! :p