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August 31st, 2006


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07:48 pm - Hmmm...
Update from this post.  Actually just update on the "edit" from that post.  So, mom gets home from store, mom bitches at me, tells me I'm lazy, didn't wash dishes, didn't start packing until today, yada yada yada.   Maa, her frustration's understandable in that both 1) I deserve it and 2) getting the car stolen sucks major ass.  I'm thinking the best thing I can do for her this year is up all my grades to at least 80's and pass all those courses with flying colours.  Then I've gotta bulldoze my way into the parliament for a job.

Mom's told me over and over again that there's one big thing I lack in everything I do and that's the determination to see it through to the end.  Oh my god is that ever true.  If I can just jump that hurdle I'd be so far ahead.  From school, to weight, to sports, to anything else, I can't see it through to the end.  It's exciting at first, and I rush to do it, then once the going gets tough, I'm out.  No one ever got anywhere with that eh?  If I'm out to make it in the UN, if I'm out to change this world, if I'm on a mission to level the global playing field by even just a smidgen, then no matter how tough the going gets, I've got to hang on if just by a thread of hope. 

I'm going make my mom proud of me, I'm going to let her see that her daughter's worth something, I'm going to make her able to show her friends my picture and proudly claim that that's her daughter.  19 years of hard work.  19 years of raising a daughter she didn't really want in the first place.  19 years of putting _her_ life on hold for me.  If I was in her place, I'd be way too scared that with all the bad influences these days, my child would turn down the wrong path.  Mom, I'm going to show you that you _didn't_ waste 19 years of your life.  You've given me everything I can ask for that's in your power to give, you've taught me all the skills and disciplines I need to strive for my very best, and now it's my turn to take the responsibility into my own hands and repay you for all that you've given me. 

I know I never act grateful, and I know every little thing you ask of me often makes me blow up at you *smacks self*.  I also know that to your face, I've never said I'm sorry, though in my own room, I've thought it so many many times.  There's some things I've wanted to say to you for so so long, but when you're in front of me, my mouth just won't work.  In this world, I feel like I don't owe anyone anything, but you're the exception.  How do I pay you back for 19 years?  How do I pay you back for the love I see in your eyes when you look at me?  How do I pay you back for raising me to be who I am today and not some worthless druggie in some alleyway?  I know the only thing you want from me, is to know that I've got a steady future in this chaotic world.  You've told me countless times that even if I become a millionaire, you don't want a cent from me, all you want, is to know that you can let go of my hand and I can stand on my own two feet.  At times like today, how I want to hug you and comfort you that in this foreign nation without any other relatives, you still have me.  But I also know that you're strong, stronger than any other person I know, the only time when I've seen you cry is when grandmother died.  Sometimes, I even forget you're a human being like everyone else, ever since I can remember, you've never appeared to need anyone else's support or help.  Sometimes I wish you'd let yourself cry in front of me.

Mommy, I love you.  Despite all our bickerings and yelling matches and the way you always hit my sore spots makes me fume like a chimney, you're my mom, the best mom, and I am so grateful that out of the 6 billion other people on this planet, _you_ are my mom.

[EDIT]:  I swear to god my mom's the strangest person alive.  We just had this huge argument (once again about school), yelling at the top of our lungs at each other and I'm kicking myself thinking "great, just as I write up the long-ass post about how much you mean to me you make me stick my foot in my mouth".  Then the first thing she does when she signs onto msn is send me a heart 'wink'.  W..tf....Mixed signals much.  And now we're talking on msn to each other even though we're like....3 feet away O__o

[EDIT2]:  It's very tempting to send her the url for this post...but then there's some stuff on here I really really really don't want her to read, especially when she's 3 feet away.

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:pixxers
Date:August 31st, 2006 08:32 pm (UTC)
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aww *hugs* That's so sweet, kid.
From:sweet_gable
Date:September 1st, 2006 01:41 am (UTC)
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It's a very touching entry.
I believe you spoke out the feelings most people have toward their moms.

*hugs*

(EDIT: a more fitted icon)
From:_pseudonym
Date:September 1st, 2006 08:51 am (UTC)
(Link)
Man. You make me seem terribly ungrateful. Granted, I don't really feel guilty about it because it was my parents decision to waste the good years of their life away having kids. Everytime they start with 'Well, we could have done this if we didnt have kids...', all I can do is just frown at them and told them that it was *their* decision.

Meh, and then they get pissed and tell me I should be grateful because then I wouldn't exist if they hadn't and then I have to remind them that if I didn't exist, I wouldn't be here at all to know that I did exist.

It is nice to read that you totally love your mom like that. I wish I felt the same way about my own parents. ^_^

[User Picture]
From:misori
Date:September 3rd, 2006 08:10 pm (UTC)
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3 feet away... o_O;; That is... um... nice. xD

"great, just as I write up the long-ass post about how much you mean to me you make me stick my foot in my mouth".

Strange how things seem to always end up like that, huh?

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