September 15th, 2005
|11:49 pm - Depression comes so easily ne?|
Angsty rant post that seems so typical of everyone these days, skip this if your not up for it.
*sigh* It doesn't seem like this angst's going away anytime soon.
Honestly i didn't think going away for university was gonna be quite so
hard. On top of this sudden slew of assignments and having to
work them out on my own instead of having the teacher lead the way,
this not having friends thing is something quite new to me. This
familiar feeling that i haven't felt since grade...what..10? 11? is
slowly but surely creeping back up on me. Everytime i find myself
thinking depressing thoughts recently i've had to make a conscious
effort to pull my head outta the ditch, and then i just feel even
crappier afterwards cuz i let myself fall once again into useless,
I can feel the eyes of the ppl on this floor following me when i walk
by their open doors as they wonder wtf is my problem. 90% of the
time when i'm not in class i'm cooped up in my room on the
computer. Usually if i was back at home, this'd be normal, but
here it stands out so sorely (at least it does to me).
I'm starting to find myself looking forward to nighttime and sleeping,
which was the exact same thing that happened in gr. 10/11 cuz i just
wanted to get away from everything. Even through gr. 12 when i
was getting better and can honestly say i really looked forward to each
day i dreaded being by myself as much as i loved it. Being all by
my lonesome usually meant dwelling on thoughts i'd rather leave
untouched. But now it's like i'm alone 24/7.
So now more and more i'm starting to think about why the hell i'm here,
what i'm possibly trying to accomplish, why the hell did i choose a
program that, although interests me, also gives me major headaches,
etc, etc. There was a time when i truly wanted to study in
this program, work in the UN and try my hardest to change this screwed
up world. But more and more i'm wondering how the hell i'm gonna
go about doing that. Maybe this cycle of the rich getting richer
and the poor getting poorer was just meant to be and it's just dumb
luck some of us are born luckier than others. But then i turn
around and think what if it's not meant to be and i'm just making up
excuses cuz it's hard to change the world. I'm just abandoning
ppl that really do need help cuz i'm scared that others in this society
would hate me for going against their lifestyle and standard of
living. I look around me at all the ppl enjoying life and having
a great time and want to hate them for having all these things while
others starve and are killed on a daily basis, yet that would include
hating myself as well. How do u live hating urself? Or
maybe i'm just resentful cuz they seem so happy and i'm not.
*sigh* another life wasted trying to catch that dumb dream of "changing
Another thing on my mind, although not as much as before surprisingly,
is the boyfriend thing. With my feelings all mixed up and down
and out, i want more than ever someone to just hold me and tell me it's
all gonna work out somehow. Someone's shoulder that i can
cry on. Yet at the same time i want to prove that i can make it
through this without anyone's help at all, plus all the other
complications that come with relationships that everyone just
loves. Major contradictions going on.
I'm so confused, scared, angry, frustrated, tired, lonely, and all
those other wonderful feelings. At least in high school i had the
chance to turn to my cough medicie and ibuprofin for some relief for a
day or so every once in awhile (that high coming down from an overdose
is heavenly), but now i don't wanna screw myself up then miss classes
and fail them and then fall even deeper into depression. So
now i'm stuck with no escape what-so-ever. Great, just fantastic.
Ok, that's it for my rant of the night. i'm sure most of u, if
not all of u, are sick and tired of these pathetic whines on my lj by
now about how sucky university is. Gomen nasai.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Ayashi no Ceres - Scarlet
I'm really sorry to hear that things aren't sailing as smoothly as they could be. I can't really say that I can understand what you're going through, because I can't really... I've always live off-campus and there's always a bajillion people/friends/relatives over at my house, so I don't really know what it's like to be alone, alone. However, should you ever need to chat, you are definitely always free to give me a ring, or tell me to give you a ring (if you txt me, it may take a while as I always forget to turn the volume back up on my phone after turning it off for classes).
I feel kind of partly responsible for... I don't know what, your unhappiness at the moment, perhaps, because I have been really busy this past week and haven't been on MSN or anything like that. It's just... when I'm at school, and with two jobs, I get busy and am busy thinking about all the things I have to do, that I kind of forget that I need a social life.
I am not one for advice really... you know me, but I will say that you are most likely not alone in the lonely/depressed/lacking in the social circle department. I'm not saying that to devalue your feelings, because they truly are valid and I can't say anything against that; I am saying that because I know that there are other people who are in the same boat as you right now. All you have to do is find them.
The biggest mistake I made when going to Fanshawe/UWO a couple of years back was not getting involved or making any sort of effort to find new friends. I thought I would be just fine with the friends that I did have, and that just wasn't the case. My friends didn't know anything about my program, what I had to do, why it was stressful. On top of that, they had different schedules than mine, so it was difficult to find time to get together.
The result of my lack of desire to get involved (besides being very lonely on breaks/lunchtime/bus rides) was my reluctance to actually even go to class... to participate... to learn. I had no sort of emotional attachment to anyone or anything to do with my program, and my grades suffered from that.
This time around, I have consciously made more of an effort to talk to people... to join clubs and whatnot. I haven't really made any new friends persay, but I have a few acquaintances now. It's just nice to see someone and have the acknowledge you on the way to a class, or even in class.
Today in ICS, I plunked myself down in the front row beside a girl (AJ) who has sat by herself there for the past week. I then introduced myself to the people in the two rows behind me as well... Alan, and YooWon, and David, and David, and Mark. I have two new acquaintances in Japanese, JingJing and Sumair. I joined the lunchtime Japanese Speaking Club and am volunteering for the preparations for Japan Day. I've gone to the International Student Lounge and applied to be a peer guide.
You've never struck me as the type of person to be incredibly shy! I urge you to get involved... with anything (anime club?!)! Join a new club, the newspaper... volunteer for a NFP organization that deals with INternational Development and Relations. Check out the International Studies department.
Perhaps putting in a request for a mentor would be something that would work. It doesn't have to be about studying all the time (though it sure seems it does!) and perhaps that person can open new doors for you somewhere.
Don't be afraid to explore other options besides the program that you're in (trust me on this one). Who knows... perhaps this first year will open a door to something else that you didn't even know interested you. Not many of my other friends are in the original program they started off in for University and/or College.
And... you...! I know you want to change the world... and you will... but it's going to take time and the involvement of a lot of people! You can't do everything by yourself! Don't hate yourself! You're human... and to be human is to make err! I don't think that there is a person on the face of this earth who has not had a moment of hypocrisy. I think you're wonderful just the way that you are and I think that you should chase after your dreams... no matter what! I don't think that a life spent chasing after dreams is a life wasted. It's much better to strive for achievement than to not even attempt at all.
AHh. THe boyfriend... thing. Hmm. Again... maybe it'll happen when it happens? What if there's a cute boy on another floor just waiting for you? (I don't even know... are you in a female-only rez? ^^;)
Okay. That's enough out of me (especially on the boys thing.. I'm NO GOOD!). Eh, pretty useless advice I suppose... long and rambly. The point I guess I'm trying to make is that what will happen will happen and all you can do is just try to hang on. Go out, get involved a little... track down an anime club (or cute boy, or both!).
I hope you do feel better soon and I'm serious when I say that I will listen... at any time, whenever, wherever. ANd feel free to tell me to shut up and mind my own damn business at any time if I stepped over or toed any boundaries. =D
One week down... twelve more to go!
Oh man, I hope you feel better about this university experience soon. The only things I can suggest to get more involved with people in your program is to ask around and see if there're any study groups, or ask them about the assignments and try to get a discussion going.
Maybe check out some of the clubs your school currently has. Possibly Anime or a World Affairs club of some sort? I know we have a calender of events scheduled at our school, so perhaps you do as well? One of my friends, who goes to Carleton, went to a few broad-panel discussions on stuff like HIV in Africa last year.. so I'd assume you guys could get interesting stuff like that once and a while too. It'd be nice to go out to something like that and meet other people who're interested and willing to discuss issues like that with you.
Of course, you don't really need to just limit yourself to the school, I'm sure there's tons of interesting places college-aged people go.http://uottawa.ottawa-anime.org/
- Ottawa Uni Anime Club.http://carleton.ottawa-anime.org/
- Carleton's Anime Club.. I don't know how far you are from there..http://www.ottawa-anime.org/
- Anime Events in the Ottawa Regionhttp://www.ottawakiosk.com/events.html
- Events going on in Ottawa I suppose. There's an animation festival coming up this month for animations from around the world.. Anime perhaps? ..maybe not ^^
I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but I hope you can sort all of your feelings out soon!